When you belong nowhere

It is first break. You stand near the tuckshop with your juice and look at the tables. One group is laughing at something on a phone. Another is talking about a party you weren’t invited to. The friends you sat with in Grade 7 now sit with people you barely know. You walk to the steps outside the library and scroll through messages you have already read.

If that sounds familiar, keep reading.

Maybe it isn’t just school. Maybe at home you are too modern for your family, and at school you are too traditional for your friends. Maybe you are the only one fasting at break during Ramadan, or the only one in your class whose home language is not English. Maybe your parents moved, or separated, and you now spend your week between two houses. Maybe you changed, and the people around you didn’t.

A great many people spend some time in the in-between. You are not the only one standing on the steps.

Why it happens

Between about twelve and sixteen, your brain is rewiring itself around other people. Fitting in starts to feel urgent, almost physical. That isn’t you being dramatic. Being left out registers in the same parts of the brain as physical pain.

At the same time, you are working out who you are apart from your family and your old friends. Some places stop fitting before new ones appear. That gap is uncomfortable. It is also usually a sign that you are growing, not a sign that something is wrong with you. For most people, it eases.

Where belonging turns up

Belonging rarely arrives where you are looking for it. It tends to come in sideways:

• The librarian who keeps the new books aside for you.
• The Grade 8 learner at chess club who is just as awkward as you, and funnier than you expected.
• Your grandmother, who wants to hear about your day and doesn’t care who you sat with.
• A class, youth group, choir, soccer team or art class where nobody knew who you were last year.
• A volunteer project where you are needed. Being needed is its own kind of belonging.
• An older cousin who has been exactly where you are.

Online spaces can help too, especially for creative interests. Keep at least one person you can also see face to face. Be careful with anyone online who wants your friendship kept secret. Safe people don’t ask for that.

Start with one

You don’t need a whole group. Start with one person. Ask one question. Say yes once to something new.

If it goes badly, that tells you something about that table. It tells you nothing about you.

Belong to yourself first

Know what you love, what you believe and what makes you laugh, even when nobody is watching. When you know your own values, you stop needing every room to accept you. You start choosing different or better rooms.

Many people find their steadiest belonging in faith: in prayer, in a community, in knowing they are known by God on the days they feel unseen by everyone else.

If you feel you don’t belong anywhere, not at home, not at school, not anywhere, and it has gone on for weeks, please tell a trusted adult. The same goes if you feel alone and low most days. You can also call Childline on 116, free and open 24 hours.