What to talk about on a Samoosa Run
The Samoosa Run holds a special place in traditional matchmaking. It is a time-honoured practice in many Muslim families where a couple meets, usually ‘blindly’, to ascertain if they could be a possible match. While that’s happening, the families usually meet to discuss the possibility of a union, often focusing on the “big things” like finance, living arrangements, and family expectations. However, in today’s atmosphere, it is equally important for the couple themselves to engage in these conversations, albeit in a comfortable and conversational manner.
But first…
What is a Samoosa Run?
A Samoosa Run is a pre-arranged meeting between two families to facilitate a meeting between the unmarried man and woman. Usually, the ‘boy’s side’ visits the ‘girl’s side’ at home. However, Samoosa Runs can take place in any respectable venue. For example, my husband and I walked through a park (with his mother and my aunt as chaperones). Read more about my Samoosa Run journey here.
If you followed that link, you will agree that I have some experience with this. So, here are some takeaways which I am sharing eighteen years later (Alhamdulillah!).
Three words of advice
- Read my post on Finding a Spouse the Halaal Way
- Make enquiries with others (friends and family members) before approaching the samoosa run to ensure you’re meeting with someone with whom there is a vague possibility of being compatible with.
- Expectations and reality – Read my post on Rights and Responsibilities of Husband, Wife and In-laws.
- For men: If you prefer your wife stays home, don’t marry a career woman and demand that she leaves work. On the other hand, don’t marry someone who prefers staying home and demand that she needs to pull her own weight.
- For women: Whether you prefer being a Stay-at-Home mom or following a career path within the bounds of shariah, marry a man who is open to your choice.
So, let’s begin!
How to start a Samoosa Run conversation
A good way to start is by making Salaam and introducing yourself. Share your name, perhaps your job, or something you enjoy doing. This sets a relaxed tone and opens the door for a genuine dialogue. Approach the Samoosa Run with an open mind and use the opportunity to understand your potential partner better.
Starting a Samoosa Run with well-balanced questions can help you gauge the other person’s personality, values, and interests without making the conversation too heavy or superficial. Remember, a Samoosa Run isn’t a job interview. Instead of firing off questions, pick a few questions from your Yes/No List which you value an opinion on and weave them into the conversation naturally. Or, perhaps you have heard something interesting about the person you are meeting (e.g. they’re working in a particular field, or they’ve achieved something unique, or perhaps that they have ten siblings!). Use what you know to get the conversation flowing, and keep it semi-lighthearted.
Here are some questions you might consider (in no particular order, so if spirituality is more important for you, bring it up the list, etc.)
- Where did you grow up, and what was your favourite thing about your hometown?
- What are some of your hobbies or interests?
- What’s your favourite type of food or cuisine?
- Do you have any siblings? How close are you to your family?
- What do you enjoy doing on weekends? Are you more of an indoors or outdoors person?
- What was your favourite subject in school?
- Do you enjoy reading? If so, what’s a book that you would recommend?
- What’s a place you’ve always wanted to travel to and why?
- What qualities do you value most in a friend?
- Do you prefer big gatherings or small, intimate settings?
- What are your current spiritual levels?
- How do you handle stressful situations?
- What are some goals or dreams you have for the future?
These questions are designed to spark conversation and help you learn more about the person’s background, interests, and values in a relaxed and engaging way. Right off the bat, you would have an idea of what the person values and whether those values are compatible with yours.
What comes next?
Later, if you have the opportunity to talk again (or in the initial conversation, if that works for you), you may want to explore some key areas which are relevant to your potential future. These questions can help you gauge compatibility and shared values.
Financial Matters
Discussing finances is crucial for any couple considering a future together. Understanding each other’s financial habits and goals can lay a strong foundation for mutual trust and planning. From an Islamic perspective, financial transparency and responsible management are encouraged.
Questions to consider without the risk of sounding either miserly, or like a gold-digger:
- How do you approach budgeting and saving?
- What are your views on managing joint and separate finances in a marriage?
- Do you have any long-term financial goals, like buying a house or starting a business?
Living Arrangements
Where and how you live can significantly impact your happiness and compatibility. It’s important to discuss preferences and expectations regarding living arrangements. Islam emphasises creating a harmonious home environment.
Questions to consider:
- Where do you see yourself living in the next few years? Are you open to relocating?
- What are your thoughts on living with extended family or having them nearby?
Career and Ambitions
Understanding each other’s career aspirations and how you plan to balance work and personal life is essential for a harmonious relationship. Islam encourages striving for excellence in one’s profession while maintaining a balance with family responsibilities.
Questions to consider:
- What are your career aspirations, and how do you plan to achieve them?
- How do you balance work and personal life?
- Are you open to supporting each other’s career growth, even if it means making sacrifices?
Family and Children
Family dynamics and the desire for children are deeply personal topics that should be discussed early on to ensure both parties are on the same page. In Islam, family is a central pillar, and raising children with good morals and values is a shared responsibility.
Questions to consider:
- How do you feel about having children, and what are your thoughts on parenting?
- What role do you see your family and your partner’s family playing in your life?
- How do you handle family traditions and customs?
Personal Values and Lifestyle
Shared values and compatible lifestyles can strengthen your relationship. Discussing these aspects helps you understand what drives and motivates each other. Islam places a high value on mutual respect, kindness, and living a balanced life.
Questions to consider:
- What are some values that are important to you in a marriage?
- How do you like to spend your free time, and what hobbies or activities are important to you?
- How do you deal with stress and challenges in life?
Conflict Resolution and Communication
Every relationship faces challenges, and how you handle conflicts can make or break a partnership. It’s important to understand each other’s approaches to conflict resolution and communication. Islam encourages resolving conflicts with patience, wisdom, and mutual consultation (mashwera).
Questions to consider:
- What is your approach to resolving disagreements or conflicts?
- How do you prefer to communicate about important issues?
- What strategies do you use to maintain a healthy and open dialogue in a relationship?
Approaching a Samoosa Run with these thoughtful and balanced questions can help you gain a deeper understanding of your potential partner. Remember to integrate these questions naturally into your conversation rather than treating the meeting as an interview. By doing so, you create a more comfortable and genuine environment that allows for meaningful dialogue and a better chance to see if you both share compatible values and visions for the future.
May Allah SWT grant aafiyah, barakah, and sabr, to all those who are searching for a spouse. Aameen
Stay well, inside and out
Waheeda, a.k.a Waydi
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