Rights and responsibilities of husband, wife and in-laws in Islam
On 28 January 2024, I was invited to speak at Journey to Jannah’s first online seminar on Marriage. I was asked to cover the topic of Rights and responsibilities of husband, wife and in-laws.
For your convenience, I’ve recorded my contribution for you, and I have also included a full transcript. May Allah SWT accept it from me. Aameen.
Listen here
Listening time: 17 minutes
Transcript
As-salaamu ‘Alaikum ladies. Thank you for having me today to talk about a topic that, besides being near and dear to all our hearts as Muslimahs and mothers, is also so needed to be talked about, especially to the generation who are on the brink of entering into marriage – the younger millennials and Gen Zs. I was asked to speak to you about the rights of husbands and wives, and in-laws, and I have challenged myself to not make it a textbook explanation (because you can get that from Kitaabun Nikah, or Gift to the Bride, or any other good book on the topic). Rather with this talk, I hope to increase your understanding on the subject and inspire and motivate you to begin to incorporate small, tiny habits into your lifestyle that will slowly carve a beautiful marriage, in sha Allah. These will be habits you can begin whether you are married, or as yet unmarried, and as I said, for this session, I will be focusing on the rights of husbands, wives and in-laws.
Now, I know the word “rights” might sound a bit formal, and prescriptive, but let’s look at it like this: marriage is a two-way street, and everyone has a part to play.
Qur’anically and prophetically, we know and understand that both husbands and wives have rights that are due to them, and both also have responsibilities that they must fulfil. Now, instead of focusing so intently on our rights, first I’m just going to quickly talk about our responsibilities.
So, the main responsibility, for both men and women, is to be a protector.
We can draw a circle with all the things a woman is responsible for on the inside of the circle.
- Women are protectors of their chastity, their home, their children, their husband’s wealth, property, possessions.
Then, on the outside of the circle, we have what men are responsible for.
- Men are the protectors of women. They are responsible for overseeing the overall wellbeing of that circle.
So, subhanallah, we can see that each person has their place in society. Now, the feminists and Westerners like to nitpick this system, but we must ask ourselves what success rates can they show with their system? Does their system of equal partnership marriages always work? No, it doesn’t, because a successful marriage is not based on what I want, but it is based on WE need. It is teamwork. And in any team, there can be one leader. Or, in any team, which has designating tasks, each person is responsible for their own tasks, and how they fulfil those responsibilities leads to the rise or fall of the team as a whole.
Now, I’m going to quickly list the rights of wives and husbands, and you will see how these rights fit perfectly with each one’s responsibilities. Subhanallah!
The wife has rights that will help her to protect whatever is in her circle. She financial rights over her husband, which are the mahr (dowry), spending and accommodation. She has non-financial rights, such as being treated in a decent and reasonable manner, and not being treated in a harmful way by her husband, and fair division if there are co-wives. She has the right to be listened to, and to be respected.
The husband, in turn, also has rights that will help him to protect whatever is outside the circle. First, he has right to be respected, because without respect, that circle will implode. He has the right for an obedient wife, because without this, the circle will crumble. He has the right to have an available wife. He has the right to expect that his wife will not let others into the home, whom he dislikes, and that she would not leave her circle without his permission. He’s like a guard, standing outside the barrier of a castle. He protects her when she’s inside, and he needs to know when she’ll be outside. This makes sense, right? Subhanallah!
So, now the next question, for both husbands and wives, is: how can I make sure my rights are being fulfilled if I am fulfilling all my responsibilities in a way that Allah SWT will be pleased with me?
Now THIS is where Awareness of Allah SWT comes in. It is where the Islamic ethos of our home comes in. It is where our relationship with Allah SWT comes on. Not only for each spouse separately, but for the couple together as well.
This is why spouses must be chosen on the basis of their character FIRST, and wealth and material possessions are no more than just extras.
In order for the system of marriage to be up upheld, the woman who is guarding things inside the circle must submit to the protector who is guarding her circle, and they BOTH must submit to the Being who is guarding and protecting them and their circle – Allah SWT.
From this analogy, you can see how important each person’s responsibilities are to ensure the success of the whole.
You can see how:
- If the wife defaults on her responsibilities, it infringes on the rights of her husband.
- If the husband defaults on his responsibilities, it infringes on the rights on this wife.
- If either of them default on their relationship with Allah SWT, the circle they are protecting becomes insecure.
And it is generally the INSECURITY of one or both spouses that leads to negative spirals, and that leads to crumbling circles and broken marriages.
It’s a system which we must respect and uphold. It is a system that is described in the Qur’an, and it is a system that must be discussed openly so that each spouse knows and understands what is expected from them, and what, in turn, they need to provide to ensure a rigid circle that no one can infiltrate, most of all Shaitaan.
Remember, the circles we so lovingly nurture do not exist in a vacuum. They exist among a sea of circles, some which overlap, others which are nearby, and others which we sometimes bump into. Since all our family circles bump into each other in some way, we must secure our circle against its greatest enemy: Shaitaan.
That’s right. We need to build marriages that are Shaitaan-proof!
Here is a hadith that I think all spouses must read together and reflect upon, on your wedding night if you are unmarried, and as soon as possible if you are married.
Jabir RA reported that Allah’s Messenger (SAW) said:
Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends armies (for creating disagreements); the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating disagreements. One of them comes and says: “I did such and such.” And Shaitaan says: “You have done nothing.” Then one amongst them comes and says: “I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife.” The Satan goes near him and says: “You have done well.” And according to another narrations, Shaitaan then embraces him.
So, by joining in Nikah, you are practically putting a target on your back for Shaitaan and his army to aim for. Can you imagine that? It is your circle against Shaitaan. It is the strength of your circle against the strength of the armies of Shaitaan. And now you can understand why so many marriages are crumbling around us. It is because their circles were not strong enough to withstand the pressure from outside. It is because their circles were perhaps not built with the bricks of spirituality, and taqwa, and discipline and obedience, but with the frivolity of duniya, and perhaps one or both spouses comparing their lives with others or shirking their responsibilities.
Now, I want each of us to look within ourselves and ask: Am I perfect?
Not at all! None of us are perfect, are we? So, how could we expect a spouse to be perfect? And I know on the outset many of us are saying: No, I don’t expect him to be perfect… but in the reality of day to day life our actions speak louder than words. We become annoyed if they do things differently, or if they forgot a certain thing, or if they show even the slightest weakness for something. We become annoyed, and our annoyance leads to looking for more examples of their not-so-perfect behaviour. And then we find a video on social media that makes us believe that our marriages aren’t perfect or our husbands are narcissists, or our mother-in-law is bipolar, because we could put all five fingers down when they called out certain traits. Right?
I know this sounds familiar, because we all do it. We all look for ways to justify why we are right and how the others are wrong.
No one is perfect.
Everyone has certain quirks. I have them and you do too.
We cannot expect our spouse to be perfect. In fact, even the child that we bring up and nurture so lovingly, protecting them from all harm and vices, will not turn out perfectly, so what makes us think that we are entitled to a perfect spouse, or to a perfect mother-in-law who we expect to have brought up a perfect son?
See…
Our own parents have witnessed us growing up and have supported every step of our journey. They love us unconditionally, with our silly and crazy quirks.
But our husbands and in-laws, only meet us in our adulthood. When we are already fully grown, with personalities and opinions in tact.
Understanding this difference is key.
For our parents, the bond is lifelong, but with our spouse and in-laws, respect and consideration become the bridges that connect us. Treating our in-laws with the same care we’d expect for our parents helps build a strong foundation for extended family relationships. And since all these relationships affect our circles, we must ensure that these relationships are strong and secure too.
Now, when it comes to in-laws, it is not about mirroring the relationship that we have with our parents. It is about recognising the unique dynamics of this new relationship. It is about respecting each other for the adults that we are, while also taking into account our duties towards those who are older than us. If their opinions matter to our spouse, they should matter to us. Their comfort becomes a shared responsibility, and both sets of in-laws become a part of our circle. Instead of wishing they were different or comparing them to others, let’s meet them where they are. Understand them, respect them, and grow together.
Remember, while taking care of your circle, your marriage isn’t just about you and your spouse. It’s about creating a foundation for your progeny, for generations to come. So, we must focus on what really matters, respect each other, and build marriages that stand the test of time, and we can only achieve this if we are firm in our relationship with Allah SWT, aware of the rights and responsibilities He has tasked us with, and willing to make small sacrifices in this temporary duniya to attain success and togetherness in the Aakhirat.
If I asked you: What’s truly important for you, and are you willing to sacrifice other things to ensure you are able to hold on to these things that are important?
Values play a massive role. If we are into keeping up with the Joneses or obsessing over material things, our marriage might hit a rocky road. But, if we value companionship, our faith, and building families that contribute to our ummah, then we’re on the right track. But are we willing to sacrifice some comforts, overlook some habits, in order to hold on to your values? That’s a difficult question for insaan (humans) to answer, but it is key to a successful marriage.
Sacrifices are part of the deal. This is the duniya, right? This isn’t Jannat yet. The road to Jannat is long and hard. So if we have to make sacrifices for the sake of a stronger, more connected ummah and a loving family, then it’s a sacrifice worth making.
Each person’s or couple’s sacrifices will look different. Some are visible and other are not visible. So, it is no use comparing our circle to others’ circles because this sabotages the sanctity of our circle. It creates dents in the outside of the circle, and these dents, whether they come from inside the circle or outside the circle, affect everything is within that circle. Eventually, the dent becomes a cavity, a gaping hole in your circle, and everything that the husband was trying to keep out finds its way in…
It’s difficult to fix cavities in your teeth, right? You can’t do it yourself. You have to go to a dentist to get it cleaned properly, perhaps put in a filling to keep it clean, and get advice on how to maintain the tooth.
In the same way, a cavity in the wall of your family circle cannot be fixed by one person. It has to be mended from the inside and outside. Both spouses have to down all tools and work exclusively on keeping the outside out and the inside in. They have to review and reset their rights and responsibilities towards each other. They have to tear off the target that Shaitaan has glued on their circle. They have to improve the spirituality of the home and of the children and of themselves. They have to incorporate thalim in their households. They have to every single decision that impacts on the strength of that circle – from where they source their food, to the schools they send the kids to, to the type of entertainment they allow inside and outside the household. A COMPLETE overhaul and to reset the circle, a new commitment by BOTH spouses for the betterment of the circle, and a new coat of protective armour to protect the circle.
So, to end off, I hope that my circle analogy has lit some lightbulbs in your mind about the importance of understanding one’s rights and responsibilities within a marriage, and allowed you to reflect on the tiny habits you can incorporate in your life in order to create a solid foundation to our marriage, and solid walls in your marriage circle.
Ladies are welcome to visit my blog as I sometimes share marriage-related posts which I think may be beneficial to some of you.
As salaamu ‘Alaikum…
Stay well, inside and out
Waheeda, a.k.a Waydi
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